it's been a long time since i've written in here and i treat it like a bad sign. i read through about a year's worth of entries tonight and my god i am an embarassing culmination at this point. i think shane was saying this after reading his old term papers last year in tahoe, but fuck i used to be a lot smarter.
i really am on autopilot these days. i am a rollercoaster flying on a track with a BB gun to shoot at targets that zip by. i am the shooty game in ff7. some targets i hit; some i miss. i fly by either way. sometimes when i shoot them i receive points. we will see if these matter in the end. is there an all time high score chart? should i care? is this my gun or was it passed down from someone who finished the ride?
why is it that as i grow older, more knowledgable and more priviledged i feel the options disappear around me. does life work like a tech tree? i delve further to reap more of the same, the same just bigger and better? i want my skill points back.
after reading my old entries, it seems like i carried about a lot of 'big things'. in reflection, i do not know how i came to cary about 'big things' but i adore my former self. he was strong, he was optimistic, he had time and he was going to use it.
much like this entry, my thoughts come only in snippets now. it's like those flikr photo albums online where you want the whole story but what you get is a bunch of pictures with captions that make no sense. i often wonder what the brain is. a lot of space and not much electricity i guess.
this week i have been forced to write about a lot of shit that will get my to a "better place" but the journey there was horrible and painstaking. is this what the future holds? i love writing but i am not a consistent writer. what i hate about the world is that you cannot be in the top 5% of all skills and be considered one of the best. you have to the be the top .000001% or be content with being nothing. i feel as though people who try to stay this level often fail, but this is not the case. see puff daddy. and then the opposite is true. see bill gates. baffles me.
the heartless never rise. i came up with this slogan sometime early during the semester. what occurred was a rift in the paintball scene in my area, southern california the home of paintball. natural selection occurs in an extremely high level here, more than in most sports. more than in basketball or baseball, coolness is king. it's all males, with no hopes of winning girls through your gun. it's a brotherhood trial. you shoot people. you hurt people. you make people cry. you pretend as if getting hurt is fun, which it actually is once you've convinced yourself of it. in my area, kids quit every day and new blood comes up. our job is to beat them up, scrap the broken ones and sweep the bloodied youngins into teams. you have to have heart. even the broken still beat and these are the ones that will stay, will play every weekend with no money and eat cheetos every day for a week for a bag of paint. and there is no goal! there is no money at the end of the trial, no glory. we watch paintball on espn and we know it is nothing like that. we are circus animals, zoo monkeys, sunfish in monterey bay. it is art for the sake of art, production for the sake of production, living just to live. the heartless never rise.
some shit i've been into lately and i'm out.
l.a.d. soon to r.i.p.
old new immortal.